A Judgement Call

Dear Jack,

Today I want to tell you a story that is really something that happened with your sister, but it's also a story that is more about me than anyone else, so I think sharing it with you is appropriate.

I took you and your sister with me today to the church. I had told the Music Director that I would help with Music Camp and even though I would rather have the time with you and your sister, I wanted to keep my commitment and I do see the value in the camps our church offers and wanted to support them with my time and talents.

(There are actually four camps every summer, each lasting a week, and all of them attended largely by visitors -- a great witnesses opportunity.)

You were going to be in the nursery with the Children's Ministries Director, a woman I like and admire and trust completely with your care. Your sister was supposed to do the preschool camp and I was supposed to help with the older kids.

I dropped you off and you did very well. You had been in the nursery with the same Children's Ministries Director just yesterday, so you were prepared and familiarized already.

Your sister was fine until she realized I was leaving. She absolutely did not want to stay. Even though it was her Sunday School room and one of her two favorite Sunday School teachers in the room, and several of her friends were there, she was uncomfortable.

I had no idea what the problem was, but it seemed that so much was right that whatever was wrong must have felt big to your sister. I asked her if she would rather be in the nursery with you and she said she would.

As it turns out, though, there was a rule that children old enough to be in camp could not be in the nursery. It seems like one of those rules that makes sense in the big picture -- imagine a dozen school aged children in the nursery with no one in camp -- but was troublesome on the small scale.

So I made a judgment call. I took your sister with me to take care of the older kids.

I know that seems like simple choice, but it was a big deal for me. As I said before, it was the Children's Ministries Director who was in the nursery and I like her a lot and respect her even more and she was the one telling me the rule, so I had to have a conflict with someone I like and respect -- never easy. Then, I had to answer another four or five helpful adults who tried to redirect your sister to her room, "No, she's staying with me."

Every time I said that I felt I was fighting with someone.

You see, I have a very hard time standing my ground without waging a turf war. I tend to overstate myself and get into arguments with people who aren't even looking for an explanation from me.

All day, I had to remind myself that first of all, probably no one cared that I was letting your sister be with the wrong group and secondly, anyone who did who wasn't your dad was a busybody and didn't deserve too much additional thought.

I also went over and over my own reasoning in my head. Was I doing your sister a disservice by allowing her to opt out of camp?

I finally decided it this way: Your sister didn't ask to go to Music Camp. I volunteered to help and just brought the two of you with me. She was well behaved with me, sitting off to the side fairly quietly. Her real choice was the one to skip out on camp, and I did hold her to that decision, reminding her as she asked to do things like play outside that her group was already at the playground, etc. Really, she probably would have had more fun with her peers, but maybe not.

As I drove the two of you home, I asked your sister what the problem was with the camp and she was able to explain it this way: Ms. Barbie wasn't there.

It's true. One of her two favorite Sunday School teachers was in charge of the camp, but her other favorite was not and it just made things feel wrong -- and possibly not as safe.

So what I really feel like I did today was allow your sister to say that a situation felt wrong and walk away.

And I am proud of her for being able to name that wrong feeling and of myself for listening.

Without fighting with a whole bunch of really nice people at church.

And you? I wanted you to know that if you are ever in the same situation, I would do the same for you. Only I would do it with more grace and aplomb having practiced with your sister.

Sometimes being the youngest has perks.

Love,
Mom