Finding the Joy

Dear Jack,

You are a pretty easy baby. You cry pretty much only when you are hungry, so as long as you can nurse on demand (which we do), you stay calm and happy most of the day. You go predictably for two to three hours in between feedings, so I can be fairly sure that having fed you, we can go out for an hour and half or so and do fun things, or just run errands. You like being in the Moby Wrap and sling that I have, so it's nice to walk around with you close, but you also like your swing, so I have the option of putting you down when I need to.

See, mostly very easy.

Of course, all bets are off in the evenings. You are a fussy, fussy guy in the evenings. From about six or seven until about eleven o'clock at night, you want to nurse pretty much the entire time. You nurse until you fall asleep and then you wake up any time I try to move you and then you scream and cry until you can nurse again (and really, that milk is not a truly never-ending supply, so for at least thirty to forty five minutes in the middle of all of this, we have to take a break and you hate taking that break and often cry until you can nurse again). Holding you, rocking you, putting you in your swing, none of these things work. So really, for about four hours every evening, I sit in a chair, holding you and nursing you.

There is a big part of me that misses the time when I could do what I wanted in the evenings. Your marathon nursing time is also the "after your sister goes to bed and grown ups can do what they want" time and since nursing is not one of your father's many talents, he's still doing whatever he wants while I am pretty much limited to sitting in a chair with you.

Sigh. Or, to put it another way, you and I are bonding each and every evening at a time when your sister is fast asleep and doesn't need my attention anyway. I hold you and look at you and smell you and just marvel at how beautiful you are. I remind myself that the days of having evenings to do what I want are just around the corner and the days of holding a newborn will come to a close so much faster than I want them to. I thank God that He gave me such a gift as you and that I am able to sit and nurse you like I wanted to. I just try to slow down and enjoy the moments.

I find the joy.

Love,
Mom