Acceptance

Dear Jack,

When you lose someone you love, like your Uncle James, that first year is the hardest. Every since "first" is a new stab in the gut and you have to live through them all.

The first Thanksgiving without your uncle was brutal. We had just found out he was killed and Thanksgiving was a holiday with many fond memories of James. I had even told your dad earlier that November that I was boycotting Thanksgiving turkey until James got home and could cook one the way I like it.

The first Christmas was not as hard. Losing James was becoming more of a reality and we knew we wouldn't have seen him that Christmas anyway. He was missed, but his presence wasn't expected.

The first Valentine's Day was very hard on Aunt Rachel, but in her own sweet way, she made it easier for us by coming down and making that weekend about celebrating Jamie and spending time with Will and her.

Today is your uncle's birthday and of all the firsts, this is one I never expected to be as hard as it has been. I think because Uncle James would have had his mid-deployment leave at the end of February, it is starting to really sink in that we aren't going to ever get to see him again.

And that hurts so very much.

So, when you have someone special, like your Uncle James in your life, the only way I know to get through the missing is to do something that makes you think of the person in a positive way.

I chose to landscape.

I have never landscaped before, and may never again. But I took on this project in honor of Uncle James. Because he would have helped us do it. Because he loved landscaping. Because he would have been pleased to know that his brother married a woman who would do this sort of thing.

The project is basically reclaiming this corner of the backyard, where the prior owners had a swing set, and therefore about a million tons of gravel.

So I have pulled up weeds to get to the gravel and then am slowly moving the gravel into the pit I made in the middle. It's kind of a tree circle, in the sense that a sapling is growing in the middle. But since the gravel may kill the tree and I'm okay with that, it seems mean to call it a tree circle.

Regardless, it's hard physical labor and there's nothing like staying busy, staying active, and being able to think to myself, "James would be proud of me" to ease the grief of his passing.

I hope that you don't have to learn any of these lessons about grief any time soon in your life. But since I do hope that you live a long and happy life, filled with people to love who will love you back the same, you will eventually feel the pain of loss.

So when that happens, my very best advice is simply that: stay busy and do something that would make that person proud.

And know that it's just going to hurt for a while and that's okay.

Love,
Mom