The Taming of John Patrick Nolen

Dear John,

We have been at a cross roads here lately.  For the past two or three months, your father and I have been saying that we, you, all of us, have to get your fits under control.  We have been raising the standards and you have fought back every step of the way.  We tried spanking.  We tried shocking punishments like leaving toys in parking lots.  We tried everything but pure old fashioned consistency with some very real and repeatable consequences.


So, two weeks ago, I drew a line in the sand.  I focused on you all weekend and during the week I canceled all of my 4-7:30 commitments and picked you up early from daycare so I could really focus on you.

I kept you by my side and I gave you many, many, many opportunities to obey.  I directed you to help me clean up the garage.  I directed you to clean the playroom.  I directed you to clean up your room.

And every single time you showed even a small bit of defiance, I sent you to time out.  If you didn't go to time out, or if you didn't sit on your hands, or if you moved your feet, or if you cried out, I picked you up and held you in time out.  I did that until you were quiet and not fighting me for a full two minutes.

Then I sent you back to time out on the stool.  And if you didn't take that time out, I held you again.  Then I sent you back to time out on the stool.

And when you finally took your time out on the stool, I would let you up and have you go back to picking up whatever I told you to pick up in the first place.

It was exhausting.

There were many, many, many times I questioned my method.  There were times when I had to work so very hard to stay so very calm.  And there were times I was looking at you in time out I had to really think about what in the world you had done in the first place, some thirty minutes ago, that you needed a time out in the first place.

During this same time, I took you out in public.  I took you to Target and made you hold my hand.  When you whined about it, I told you to take a time out.  When you pushed the clothing rack, I picked you up and carrying you, kicking and screaming, out to the car for a time out.

I did the same thing at church... twice.  As you have screamed, "Get your hands off of me!" I have ignored, I have calmly repeated "time out, two minutes" and I have told you oh so matter-of-factly as you have appealed to random strangers, usually couples in their fifties for some reason, "They have been through this with their own little boy.  They are not sympathetic, son."

I think we have been through this process some twenty or thirty times.

On the sixth day, you didn't need a time out at all.  On the seventh day, when you did need one, you took it.  Yesterday, a full week after we started, you refused to time out while we were at a church gathering.  I showed you that I would hold you, on a ranch, with your church friends watching.  You took the time out after that.

I am sure I could have reached the same results with spanking.  I have tried that.  Your willingness to cut off your nose to spite your face, a tendency you get from your mama, is such that you will show defiance just as a matter of stubbornness, even when you know it will end badly for you.  I was willing to hold you in my lap a dozen or more times a day.  I was not willing to spank you more than two or three.

I think you learned that early on and that's why you needed a different consequence.

Lately, you have been so much more obedient.  You throw very, very few fits.  You say "yes ma'am" almost all the time, even to your dad, which we'll work on later.

When we left the Red Poppy Festival yesterday without going to the bounce houses you hung your head and you said, "aw! I am disappointed" as you walked away holding my hand.

I call that a success.

I am so glad to have found a process that taught you obedience without harming your little body or your relationship with me.

I'm glad I was able to sit and hold you when I was not able to spank you.  I'm glad it worked and I'm glad that it worked so quickly.  And I'm glad to have a job as a Kindergarten teacher to reaffirm for me in those dark moments that I really had to get you in hand before you got much older.

I hope you do not have to go through this with your child someday.  But if you do, I hope to convince you that if you have a child as strong willed as you are, that you absolutely must do something, anything, to show your child that you love them enough to show them they are not in charge.

Love,
Mom

Theories

Dear John,

You

have recently realized that you used to be

inside your mama's tummy.

This has led you to ponder what and where you were before that.

You have decided that before you were John, before you were in mama's tummy, you were

Sydney.

Because, of course, before there was a John, there was this other baby in the family and, of course, you are the only baby your mama has, so, of course, this Sydney baby must really be you, too.

And before that?

"Mama and Daddy didn't have no John."  sad face

Sad face, indeed.

Love,
Mom

Easter Sunday

Dear John,

Every year, the holidays become more and more fun and you are able to share all of the traditions with us.

During Spring Break, I took you and your sister up to the church for our "official" Easter pictures.  You have finally internalized the idea that pictures are over so much more quickly when you cooperate.

These took less than fifteen minutes.

Although you did manage to stain both the shirt and pants in that fifteen minutes, or perhaps while in the church office, where I immediately changed you.  I don't understand it, but I'm glad I got the cure pictures because this was not the outfit you actually wore for Easter Sunday.

For your Easter basket, I knew I wanted to do a theme.  Your love of all things Ladybug Girl had me looking at other titles in the series and I found that the author had added a boy character in Ladybug Girl and Bumblebee Boy and so I wanted to get that for you.  I also wanted to give you the tools to dress up like Bumblebee Boy and then let your sister be Ladybug Girl.

I don't mind the idea of you wanting to be Butterfly Boy, wearing effeminate fairy wings and a girl's hat, but I want to make sure that you a more masculine option available.

 

We went to the early service Easter Sunday and then out to brunch.  You and your sister got your baskets afterwards.

You immediately understood what your gift was about and embraced the idea of being Bumblebee Boy.

We read both your book and your sister's (LadyBug Girl and the Bug Squad which is also a Bumblebee Boy book).

Then I dressed you both up and took your picture outside.

I told you to look like Bumblebee Boy and you gave this great angry/serious face.  I love it!

Then our friends from church came over to do our annual egg hunt.

You may be the youngest of this group, but the gap is shrinking.  Emelia (in the heart dress) is the oldest, at seven.  You will be three next month and while Emelia turns eight in August, there is still only about five years total between the two of you.  Sean is four, Sydney and Ava are both five and Abigail is six.

All of you kids loved the egg hunt.  As in year's past, I color code the eggs.  You were orange this year.  Sean was blue for the third year in a row.  Emelia, as the oldest, had to have green, the hardest color to find.  Abigail hunted pink, Ava purple and your sister chose yellow.

You were very aware of Sean this hunt and made it your business to help him find his eggs.  Everyone helped Ava, who once again, found the idea of hunting eggs secondary to just playing in the backyard and having a good time.

After the egg hunt, you and Ava and Sean continued to play in the yard while the adults visited.  Sydney, Abigail and Emelia went inside to play with the contents of the eggs, which this year was Legos.

It was a wonderful Easter and well shared with the Edmistons, Brutons, and Lisenby families.

Happy Easter!

Love,
Mom

Red Poppy Pictures

Without Mama

Dear John,

You are a mama's boy.  I think a lot of two year old's are.  I think almost all last born two year old's are.

So when I left to go to Houston this weekend I didn't worry too much about your sister, but I did wonder how you would do without your mama.

The answer?  Just fine.

Your daddy went out of his way to make sure you and your sister had a fun, full weekend.

He took you to the annual St. John's Easter Egg hunt.  Clearly, you loved it!

Mrs. Elizabeth made sure you learned how to look at Easter in a whole new way, through some kaleidoscopes.

Your daddy took you to the outlet mall and let you ride some rides.

 Then to Goodwill, where he found you this awesome trike for you to grow into.

 On Sunday, he took you to Blue Hole.

 You and your sister loved wadding and splashing in the water.

 The wonderful weekend ended with a trip to get blizzards at Dairy Queen.

You are so lucky to have such a wonderful daddy.

I am so lucky to have such a wonderful husband.

Love,
Mom

Bikes, Begonias, and Bed Rest

Dear John,

St. Patrick's Day makes your dad miss his brother.  I think it makes everyone who knew your uncle miss him.  It's hard to know what to do with that grief, so your dad and I try, every St. Patrick's Day to do things that make us think of your uncle in happy ways.

For your dad, that means getting outside, in the fresh air.  He wanted to go for a walk around the dam at Lake Georgetown.

We took your sister's bike and her camera.  Mostly, she rode her bike and you took pictures.  Your Uncle James loved, loved, loved riding his bike and so I know that seeing your sister riding up and down that rode brought some bittersweet feelings for your dad.

You did get a few turns on the bike, too, which made both you and your dad very happy.

I enjoyed walked in the back, with you, watching your dad and sister.  You and I took pictures of each other.

 You also took many, many, many pictures of the ground.

 And a few pictures of the landscape.

 You also captured your dad and sister, way on ahead.

Back at the house, your dad cooked a special Irish stew, another activity that I know made him think of his brother.

 It was a lovely St. Patrick's Day and I am, as always, so grateful to have our family together to share it.

It was the day after St. Patrick's Day, though, that I got to do the thing that makes me the happiest when I miss your uncle.  I worked in the garden.  It's a tradition I started with myself the first St. Patrick's Day after he died.  Your Uncle James loved to garden... a lot of the Nolens do.  I had never tried and the trying something new and challenging is also something that your Uncle James supported.

For two years now, I have been working on this corner of the backyard, getting rid of the old playscape, moving the landscaping timbers, and relocated all of the gravel that was under the old structure.

 I have finally shifted a significant portion to the corner and moved the landscaping rocks over there.

 

You helped a lot.  You wanted to use all of the tools I was using and be a part of the process.  You also enjoyed the hunt for roly pollies under the rocks and in the leaves.

I had originally planned to just redo the pinwheel garden, but then I thought it might be nice to branch out and do actual, you know, plants.  So during your nap I went to the store and bought some begonias and geraniums. I broke up the soil in the old pinwheel plot and then covered it with a new layer of topsoil.

You were very involved in the planting of the begonias.  I would get them out of their little plastic containers and you would carefully put them into the hole we dug together and then cover them back up with dirt.  You did almost half of the planting.

 While I was finishing the planting and also redoing the rock garden, you helped to spruce up the back fence.

At one point I looked over and  you were painting yourself.  I told you not to do that and you said, "I have to.  I'm a monster!  See my face?"  Well, okay then.

Once the plot was done, you were so excited to water all of the plants.

Then you wanted to plant the pinwheels and I gave you several choices of spaces and you chose the area under your window.

You planted the pinwheels and then, because you wanted to water more than the begonias really needed, I let you water the pinwheels.

The backyard was beautiful by the time we finished.

I know it looks like you and I did all of this by ourselves.  I want to be clear that your sister did help, from time to time.  She was good about bringing us water and she did do a few things here and there.  But mostly, it was just you and me.  I like that gardening may be the thing we have together.  I don't know much about it but I want to learn.  It's how I like to miss your uncle.

As for your dad, well, here's the thing about your dad.  He never once mentioned your uncle this weekend.  He never does.  He doesn't like to talk about things that make him sad.  So you probably won't be having long talks with your dad about his grief.  The things to look for are the times he decides to go for little hikes with you kids.  Walking around outside is something your dad likes, but not enough to actually take the time to do it.  Taking the time means he's thinking of his brother, who loved the outdoors.  You also have to listen for the sound of Flogging Molly, your uncle's favorite band.  When you dad puts it on, it's a sure sign he misses his brother.

The other way to tell how much your dad misses James is to take his temperature.  It's a funny statement, I know.  But your dad never used to get sick.  Ever.  Then your uncle died and now, several times a year, often when we go to Houston to see family and at times of the year when your uncle is heavy on your dad's mind, your dad just physically gets sick.  It's like his body puts so much into protecting his heart from the grief that it doesn't have enough left to protect the immune system from illness.

Your dad got through St. Patrick's Day just fine, but then on Sunday, he was exhausted.  Finally, at five he just went to bed.  When he got up the next morning, he was so nauseous that he actually passed out.  Within twenty four hours, though, he was back to his old self.

He just needed to shut down for a little bit.

You're not going to remember your uncle, I know.  But I want you to know that your dad misses him terribly, even though he doesn't say anything.  And I want you to know that your life is going to be full of bike rides, and hikes, heartfelt attempts at gardening, and an extreme love of all things Irish.  All of which is designed to honor your uncle and give you and a your sister a little taste of what your uncle would have brought to your lives.

Love,
Mom