The Taming of John Patrick Nolen

Dear John,

We have been at a cross roads here lately.  For the past two or three months, your father and I have been saying that we, you, all of us, have to get your fits under control.  We have been raising the standards and you have fought back every step of the way.  We tried spanking.  We tried shocking punishments like leaving toys in parking lots.  We tried everything but pure old fashioned consistency with some very real and repeatable consequences.


So, two weeks ago, I drew a line in the sand.  I focused on you all weekend and during the week I canceled all of my 4-7:30 commitments and picked you up early from daycare so I could really focus on you.

I kept you by my side and I gave you many, many, many opportunities to obey.  I directed you to help me clean up the garage.  I directed you to clean the playroom.  I directed you to clean up your room.

And every single time you showed even a small bit of defiance, I sent you to time out.  If you didn't go to time out, or if you didn't sit on your hands, or if you moved your feet, or if you cried out, I picked you up and held you in time out.  I did that until you were quiet and not fighting me for a full two minutes.

Then I sent you back to time out on the stool.  And if you didn't take that time out, I held you again.  Then I sent you back to time out on the stool.

And when you finally took your time out on the stool, I would let you up and have you go back to picking up whatever I told you to pick up in the first place.

It was exhausting.

There were many, many, many times I questioned my method.  There were times when I had to work so very hard to stay so very calm.  And there were times I was looking at you in time out I had to really think about what in the world you had done in the first place, some thirty minutes ago, that you needed a time out in the first place.

During this same time, I took you out in public.  I took you to Target and made you hold my hand.  When you whined about it, I told you to take a time out.  When you pushed the clothing rack, I picked you up and carrying you, kicking and screaming, out to the car for a time out.

I did the same thing at church... twice.  As you have screamed, "Get your hands off of me!" I have ignored, I have calmly repeated "time out, two minutes" and I have told you oh so matter-of-factly as you have appealed to random strangers, usually couples in their fifties for some reason, "They have been through this with their own little boy.  They are not sympathetic, son."

I think we have been through this process some twenty or thirty times.

On the sixth day, you didn't need a time out at all.  On the seventh day, when you did need one, you took it.  Yesterday, a full week after we started, you refused to time out while we were at a church gathering.  I showed you that I would hold you, on a ranch, with your church friends watching.  You took the time out after that.

I am sure I could have reached the same results with spanking.  I have tried that.  Your willingness to cut off your nose to spite your face, a tendency you get from your mama, is such that you will show defiance just as a matter of stubbornness, even when you know it will end badly for you.  I was willing to hold you in my lap a dozen or more times a day.  I was not willing to spank you more than two or three.

I think you learned that early on and that's why you needed a different consequence.

Lately, you have been so much more obedient.  You throw very, very few fits.  You say "yes ma'am" almost all the time, even to your dad, which we'll work on later.

When we left the Red Poppy Festival yesterday without going to the bounce houses you hung your head and you said, "aw! I am disappointed" as you walked away holding my hand.

I call that a success.

I am so glad to have found a process that taught you obedience without harming your little body or your relationship with me.

I'm glad I was able to sit and hold you when I was not able to spank you.  I'm glad it worked and I'm glad that it worked so quickly.  And I'm glad to have a job as a Kindergarten teacher to reaffirm for me in those dark moments that I really had to get you in hand before you got much older.

I hope you do not have to go through this with your child someday.  But if you do, I hope to convince you that if you have a child as strong willed as you are, that you absolutely must do something, anything, to show your child that you love them enough to show them they are not in charge.

Love,
Mom