Play for Most

Dear John,

This is you having fun at the Play for All Abilities park today.

That lasted about ten minutes.

You were there for all of twenty.  But your first ten minutes at the park were a time out for the fit you threw before we even left the house.  I know a two minute time out is appropriate for a two year old, but sadly for you, son, the time outs in this family only count when you are compliant and quiet and so your own time outs are frequently much longer.  But you settled, had you time out and played for about ten minutes, after which your sister wanted her bike from the car and no amount of explanation that we were going to the car and coming right back convinced you to leave under your own power.

I try to be very positive about you all the time.  You are my darling boy and I don't want anyone speaking negatively about you.  I have mentioned some of your recent behaviors to my friends and to your grandma, looking for ideas and validation.  I was sharing some stories last night with my friends Carol and Jerri and Carol pointed out that I should write some of them down so that one day when you have your own Irish boy with his own Irish temper and you call me wondering what in the world is going on, I can say, "ah, yes, son, you did that... and that... and that... and that, too."

I also feel the need to point out that while your little tantrums may have been a result of frustration with a lack of communication or just feeling overwhelmed by your own emotions back when you started them at twelve or fifteen months, they are certainly something you have control over at this point.  The famous airplane, left in the Wells Fargo parking lot is my prime example.  You fitted over not being able to reach it from your car seat.  You fitted when I told you I would not be able to get it because I was driving.  You fitted when I told you that I needed you to stop screaming so I could concentrate on driving.  You stopped completely when I pulled the car over, thinking you might get your plane.  What you did get was a small swat to your bottom, prompting a new fit.  You continued the fit as I put your plane down in the parking lot and wrote out my note.  You continued as we drove off.  That's when I stopped the car again and pointed out a McDonalds and told you in a low even tone, "If you do not stop right now, I will drive up to that McDonalds and hand your other plane to the lady at the window and tell her to take it home to her little boy."  You stopped on a dime.  Right that second and did not fuss again the rest of the evening.

You did the same thing Sunday over some goldfish... you wanted them in the bag, I wanted them in the bowl.  Before we had a chance to negotiate anything you turned to me and said in a loud ugly voice, "You wrong, Mama!"  No goldfish for you and straight to your room.  An hour later, you were still screaming and did not stop until I told you that if you could not control yourself, you would not be going to Sea World.  You stopped that fit and did not have another one until the end of the day at Sea World.

Among your rough moments at Sea World was your ride in Sabrina's stroller.  You wanted to keep pulling the top up and down.  Mr. Ford wanted his daughter's stroller to stay nice for as long as possible.  He asked you to stop in his nice Mr. Ford way.  I told you to stop in my "mama means business" way.  You kept your hand on the top of the stroller, not playing with it, but not complying either.  I told you to put your hands down.  You didn't.  I rephrased, "Put your hands in your lap."  You did.  And then I turned away and you put one hand straight in the air... not messing with the stroller, but showing that you still had the last say.  I walked away, your arm got tired, and we all moved on.

Even there, I understood some physical exhaustion was making it hard for you and your dad and I talked you through it, making it clear that you would not get a souvenir if you didn't calm down.  You calmed down.  You got a souvenir... a shark and a book about sharks.  And then you refused to give me the book in the parking lot.  You yelled at me.  You snatched it away from me.  And finally you threw it on the ground.  And I got the receipt and the credit card from your dad and returned your souvenirs.  No worries, though.  You happily played with your sister the whole way home... she with her souvenir Shamu whale, you with your invisible alligator that I suspect you fake shoplifted.

You do that a lot.  Obey... sort of.  When I sent you to your room for a nap on Sunday, I told you to get in bed.  You fitted for a while and then settled down.  I went to see if you were asleep and found you laying on your pillow, with your blanket... on the floor.  When I tried video taping you, since one friend suggested that if you saw what you look like you might reconsider the fits.  I videoed.  I showed them to you later, when you had calmed down.  I asked you if you liked what you looked like.  You said, "yes."  I said, "But that doesn't look like my sweet boy" and you said, "yes it do!"

Last night, while I was visiting with Carol and Jerri, you were in your room.  I let you have a movie since I wasn't available to settle you into sleep with books or a nighttime chat.  We thought you were asleep until we heard the triumphant cry, "I got the lock off!  I got the lock off!  I got the lock off!" and you came running in with the childproof lock in two parts, in your hands.  You actually took the pieces over to the trash can, looked at me and said, "I throw these away?"

Um, no.

Mostly, I look at all of this and think about how smart you are, how determined, how focused and driven.  On the day of the goldfish fit, you fitted for an hour and slept for two and still woke up asking for goldfish... in a bag not a bowl.  You just don't give up.  These are all going to be wonderful traits that will help you to be very successful in life. I also see the connection between independence and defiance.  I also know as a Kindergarten teacher what happens when you don't adequately teach the difference in the preschool years.

I want you to have cool toys.  I want you to have exciting adventures.

I want you to be obedient more.

So if you look back at this blog and your sisters you will notice that she played more, got more treats, and right now, if you could look in your rooms, you would see hers is full of toys and yours has almost nothing except a sticker chart showing you how many more "no fit" days it will be until you get your toys back (six at last count).  It's not fair.  I see that.  But what I see being unfair is that you got your mother's Irish temper and your sister did not and so you are just going to have to work harder in life to keep your emotions in check.  That's the part that's not fair.  That I love your sister enough to help her learn little things like empathy and gratitude and I love you enough to help you learn things like self-control and how to channel anger into productive outlets.  Well, that's 100% fair.

Love,
Mom

John's Fav'rit

Dear John,

For months now, you have been telling me at random times, "I wan' go Sea World.  It's my fav'rit.  We go Sea World with Fords?"

Then your dad started talking about a Disney World vacation and I swear to your ears it's "Sea World" and "Dis Sea World" and you are so worried that we are going to mess up and take you to "dis" Sea World instead of the Sea World that is your favorite.  I know this because on the way to Sea World, your dad was talking Disney with Mr. Ford who has been much more recently than your dad and I and you kept saying from the back seat, "No we go Sea World today!  It's my fav'rit!"

Mrs. Ford pointed out that perhaps we should call that place in Florida "Disney" and not bother you with information about it on the way to Sea World.  She also pointed out that since Sea World is so much closer and more affordable that it's lucky it's your favorite and not the other.

You did have a wonderful time today.  You saw the Shamu show and told the trainer afterwards that Shamu is an orca and that's a kind of dolphin, which is true.

You fed the dolphins.  Which is you other fav'rit.

You played your fav'rit made up game in which you are Nemo and I tell you, over and over and over again not to touch that boat (which is whatever object you decide looks most like a boat near you) and then I tell you "If you put on foot on that boat..." and then you do and I make an angry face then we play it all over again. 

Can you tell that you are working out the difference between independence and defiance these days?

We rode rides.  I rode the carousel with you which was fun.

But then your dad rode the Shamu roller coaster, your very first roller coaster ride, with you and that was a lot more fun!

We stopped and took pictures with various costumed characters.

Your dad kept saying that this trip was a trial run for our summer trip to Disney and  so as he was gauging whether or not you and your sister could handle the pace and the physical exertion, I thought it was fair to make sure he could handle the sheer boredom that is standing in line for a picture with a guy in a plush costume.  (My challenge was having to ride that crazy Shamu coaster with your sister since your dad could only ride with one of you and both of you wanted to go.  It wasn't easy, but I made it.)  Happily we all made it.  Especially since I don't think your dad was joking about "family boot camp" if we all collapsed halfway through the day at Sea World.

We did learn to expect a slower pace and to leave time for the unexpected joys as you, your sister and little Sabrina all settled in at the Coral Reef for a solid hour.  You and Sabrina looking at fish and your sister hosting her own little Sea World show which you were somewhat involved in, when you weren't looking at fish or otherwise in your own world.

By the time I thought to get the video camera out, we had been in the aquarium for over forty-five minutes, so the excitement you are showing over the ray is really the level of enthusiasm you maintained for the entire visit.

As I was filming, I mistakenly thought you were part of your sister's orca show.  You explained yourself well, and really I should have noticed the mask you put on.  Regardless, since becoming the caped crusader is something you do often these days, Mrs. Ford found this image for you.

Batman is your other fav'rit right now.  And also Green Lantern.  And Flash.

I love you and your varied interests so much.  I love that you tried to do your own orca show in the aquarium, loudly announced "Ladies and Gentlemmmm" and then when you say that actual people were looking at you, you turned and hid your face in the wall of fish.  I know that's why you had to be Batman when the camera was on.  It was too much to have to be just John in that moment.  I get it.  I have had my own anxieties and understand yours all too well.

It was a wonderful day at Sea World.  I loved sharing it with you and I'm sure we'll go back at least two or three times this year, probably with the Fords.

After all, it's your fav'rit.

Love,

Mom

South Austin

Dear John,

I have this new plan to spend all of Spring Break outdoors.  It's always so hot in the summer that any outdoor plans I have that don't include rising before dawn or being immersed in water turn out to be pretty miserable.

Today I wanted to try out the Botanical Gardens.

They were, first of all, breathtakingly gorgeous.

 

Secondly, they really inspired you and your sister in some careful nature observation... not of the lovely flowers and plants, but of the local doodlebug population.

At the opposite end of the Botanical Garden is the Hartman Prehistoric Garden.

 

From there, we could see out the gate to our usual parking spot for the Nature Center.

Your dad and I have these plans to take you and your sister to Disney World this summer and in preparation for the time at Disney, I thought it would do us all some good to push our walking limits, so we headed off to the Nature Center.

If I had planned on doing the Nature Center, I would have brought a change of clothes with me.  I did have a set in the car, but I warned you and your sister that if you played in the water and got wet, you would have to walk around wet until we got back to the car.

So the two of you walked so carefully.

So very carefully.

Until that first slippery spot.

And then it was all over.  I actually told your sister as she looked up at me, worried that I would be mad, "I'm over it.  Really.  Just play."  She wasn't sure, though, and the next time she fell, she called out, "Mom, are you over it?"  Yes.  Really over it.  You two had so much fun.

We ended the Nature Center at Prince John's backyard, where both of you Pavlovianly wanted dry clothes and a snack, neither of which I had.

But you made it back out of the Nature Center and all the way through the Botanical Gardens and to the car where I did have both dry clothes and a snack.

Tomorrow is Sea World and I think if you can do as well there as you did today that your father may give up his threat to hold family boot camp to get us all in shape for Disney.

Please do well tomorrow!

Love,
Mom

Random Acts of Kindness and Calorie Counting

Dear John,

Your dad and I have been watching our calories and working out a lot in the last year.  It's led to a lot of good things but it hasn't changed the way I feel about food... especially chocolate.  I moderate my chocolate cravings by keeping Dove chocolates around.  They are about 50 calories a piece and pretty satisfying.  Any other chocolate really can't be in the house.

So today when I told you that you could have a cookie from the Monument Cafe, that's all I wanted to buy: one cookie.  Any more than that is pure temptation for me.  Unfortunately, when I asked about the cookies, I found out that they only sell them in bags of six.

Some day, I hope to be able to have a bag of six cookies in the house, but now's not the day.  I tried to give the other cookies back to the lady, but she wouldn't take them and told me to freeze them.  Freezing them made me think of the other kind of cookies people freeze: Girl Scout Cookies.  I made it through Girl Scout cookie season with the genius plan of buying cookies only for troops... you pay the girl scout, supporting her fund raising, and the Girl Scouts of America send the cookies overseas.  Win-win.  And also, in my weight loss, I have learned that the only people who need to be eating all of the extra calories in things like Girl Scout Cookies are people burning lots of extra calories... like soldiers.

So, back to the five cookies (since you and your sister did eat the one).  I wasn't mailing them and I'm not sure where to find soldiers in Georgetown, so who else burns a lot of calories and deserves sweet appreciation?

Firefighters.

So we went to the local fire station and presented them with our problem of too many cookies.  They said they could totally take care of that and then they told us that their fire truck tours had recently changed in price from $26 to five cookies.  Our lucky day, I guess.

You were very shy around the firemen at first, but they were sweet and you warmed up to them.

 Especially when they let you drive their fire engine.

I know it was a completely random thing to do... taking cookies to firemen.  It makes me think of some of the random ideas my mother used to have.  She would say things like that, like "we should take these to firemen" but then she has your initial shyness in social situations and so she would think on it and wind up changing her mind.

So I hope I can teach you both, the random ideas, and the ways to get past the moment where you ring the doorbell on the fire station and wonder what in the world this fireman is going to say to you and just do it.

Because chances are, he's going to say "thanks for the cookies."

Love,
Mom

Time with Fords

 Dear John,

You call this little girl "Bina" which is short for Sabrina.  You like her a lot and it is so utterly adorable to see you interact with her.

The Fords came over the other night and you and Sabrina and your sister and I played and read books for a bit.

Then we went out tonight with the Fords to celebrate Mrs. Ford's birthday.  I was holding Sabrina, so you worked your way into Mrs. Ford's lap... if your mama could have her baby, then she could hold you!

Mostly, though, you were very busy with fries all evening and didn't seem to mind that I was holding Sabrina for most of the meal.

I am so glad that you have gotten to enjoy Sabrina and don't have a lot of jealously over her and that any jealously you do have can be solved by a little extra attention from Mr. and Mrs. Ford.

Love,
Mom

Tough Love

To Whom It May Concern,

I am leaving this toy airplane here because my son pitched a fit over it in the parking lot.  If you find it and have a boy of your own, please take it home to him and may he be better behaved than my son has been this evening.

[Dear John, I would attach a picture of said plane, but it's now sitting outside of a Wells Fargo bank next to a rock which is holding down a ticket stub from one of our Houston adventures with a note of that exact sentiment if not the exact wording.  I hope you are one step closer to learning to control that temper, sweet boy.  Love, Mom]

Butterfly Boy in the Forest

 Dear John,

There are not many places I would let you dress up as "Butterfly Boy."  My mother's heart is too sensitive to the possibility of a poor reaction to let you have such a flamboyant look just out and about town, at least until you are old enough to understand the look of judgement and how little it has to do with you.

 But a renaissance fair is pretty much a place free of judgement of any sort.  And so I opened up the discussion of what to wear with the open ended "who do you want to be tomorrow" and when "butterfly boy" was your answer, we ran with it.

You saw many other butterflies at the fair, although admittedly they were all little girls.  You also noticed that while all of them had wings, you were the only one with a hat.  I think I detected a trace of pride when you said that to me.

In addition to Butterfly, we had Emp'r Zana (who looked a lot like your sister), your dad, me and the Robinsons.  I told Mrs. Robinson that you and your sister would be dressing up and that Andrew might want to wear some of his more fun or costumy or just not-normal everyday wear clothes.  She looked at me, paused, looked down and said, "Um, all he has is normal clothes."  Right.  Not everyone has a whole slew of fabulous looks to chose from on Ren Fair day.  I told her I guessed it was part of her job to help Andrew feel good about being normal in such zany company as it was my job to help you and your sister feel good about being so colorful in a world that loves normalcy.  What a blessing to have such balancing friendships!

 At the fair, you enjoyed some shows.  One was a dog show.

The other a musician who let you kids come up to the stage to perform with him.

 You and I rode the carousel.

 You and your dad did the ponies.

 You and your sister did the big joust ride.

Mostly, though, you just enjoyed the time with your sister and the Robinsons.  You love that family so much.  Even after a whole day with them, you were asking if we could go see them some more.

I am glad that your sister has such a wonderful best buddy and I am glad that they let you tag along with them with so little fuss.

And I hope that I don't seem like a self absorbed mother when I say that despite all of the fun you had and all of the things you and your sister did, my very favorite part of the whole day was shopping for myself.

I have wanted a real ren fair outfit for as long as I can remember.  In high school, I had no where to wear it and no money to spend on it.  In college, I started gaining weight and by the time I got to two-fifty, it no longer seemed like the kind of thing I would want to spend money on... knowing it wouldn't be the look I was trying for in my mind's eye.  So of all of the things I have bought for my smaller frame, this is the one I am most excited about.  And the best part is that the laces have a lot of give in them and the whole thing can be tightened down if I continue to lose weight.

I love that your dad bought this for me.  I love that he admired me so much in it.  We went to Sherwood Forest as a family, but it felt more like a date with children tagging along.  I loved it.  And I truly believe that your life and your sister's will be better if your dad and I treat more of these kinds of outings that way.  There is plenty of time for you to have fun and do things you want to do.  We only have a decade or so to model the kind of marriage we hope you will strive for as adult.

Love,
Mom