Dear John,
St. Patrick's Day makes your dad miss his brother. I think it makes everyone who knew your uncle miss him. It's hard to know what to do with that grief, so your dad and I try, every St. Patrick's Day to do things that make us think of your uncle in happy ways.
For your dad, that means getting outside, in the fresh air. He wanted to go for a walk around the dam at Lake Georgetown.
We took your sister's bike and her camera. Mostly, she rode her bike and you took pictures. Your Uncle James loved, loved, loved riding his bike and so I know that seeing your sister riding up and down that rode brought some bittersweet feelings for your dad.
You did get a few turns on the bike, too, which made both you and your dad very happy.
I enjoyed walked in the back, with you, watching your dad and sister. You and I took pictures of each other.
You also took many, many, many pictures of the ground.
And a few pictures of the landscape.
You also captured your dad and sister, way on ahead.
Back at the house, your dad cooked a special Irish stew, another activity that I know made him think of his brother.
It was a lovely St. Patrick's Day and I am, as always, so grateful to have our family together to share it.
It was the day after St. Patrick's Day, though, that I got to do the thing that makes me the happiest when I miss your uncle. I worked in the garden. It's a tradition I started with myself the first St. Patrick's Day after he died. Your Uncle James loved to garden... a lot of the Nolens do. I had never tried and the trying something new and challenging is also something that your Uncle James supported.
For two years now, I have been working on this corner of the backyard, getting rid of the old playscape, moving the landscaping timbers, and relocated all of the gravel that was under the old structure.
I have finally shifted a significant portion to the corner and moved the landscaping rocks over there.
You helped a lot. You wanted to use all of the tools I was using and be a part of the process. You also enjoyed the hunt for roly pollies under the rocks and in the leaves.
I had originally planned to just redo the pinwheel garden, but then I thought it might be nice to branch out and do actual, you know, plants. So during your nap I went to the store and bought some begonias and geraniums. I broke up the soil in the old pinwheel plot and then covered it with a new layer of topsoil.
You were very involved in the planting of the begonias. I would get them out of their little plastic containers and you would carefully put them into the hole we dug together and then cover them back up with dirt. You did almost half of the planting.
While I was finishing the planting and also redoing the rock garden, you helped to spruce up the back fence.
At one point I looked over and you were painting yourself. I told you not to do that and you said, "I have to. I'm a monster! See my face?" Well, okay then.
Once the plot was done, you were so excited to water all of the plants.
Then you wanted to plant the pinwheels and I gave you several choices of spaces and you chose the area under your window.
You planted the pinwheels and then, because you wanted to water more than the begonias really needed, I let you water the pinwheels.
The backyard was beautiful by the time we finished.
I know it looks like you and I did all of this by ourselves. I want to be clear that your sister did help, from time to time. She was good about bringing us water and she did do a few things here and there. But mostly, it
was just you and me. I like that gardening may be the thing we have together. I don't know much about it but I want to learn. It's how I like to miss your uncle.
As for your dad, well, here's the thing about your dad. He never once mentioned your uncle this weekend. He never does. He doesn't like to talk about things that make him sad. So you probably won't be having long talks with your dad about his grief. The things to look for are the times he decides to go for little hikes with you kids. Walking around outside is something your dad likes, but not enough to actually take the time to do it. Taking the time means he's thinking of his brother, who loved the outdoors. You also have to listen for the sound of Flogging Molly, your uncle's favorite band. When you dad puts it on, it's a sure sign he misses his brother.
The other way to tell how much your dad misses James is to take his temperature. It's a funny statement, I know. But your dad never used to get sick. Ever. Then your uncle died and now, several times a year, often when we go to Houston to see family and at times of the year when your uncle is heavy on your dad's mind, your dad just physically gets sick. It's like his body puts so much into protecting his heart from the grief that it doesn't have enough left to protect the immune system from illness.
Your dad got through St. Patrick's Day just fine, but then on Sunday, he was exhausted. Finally, at five he just went to bed. When he got up the next morning, he was so nauseous that he actually passed out. Within twenty four hours, though, he was back to his old self.
He just needed to shut down for a little bit.
You're not going to remember your uncle, I know. But I want you to know that your dad misses him terribly, even though he doesn't say anything. And I want you to know that your life is going to be full of bike rides, and hikes, heartfelt attempts at gardening, and an extreme love of all things Irish. All of which is designed to honor your uncle and give you and a your sister a little taste of what your uncle would have brought to your lives.
Love,
Mom
