Dear Jack,
Tonight was the Turkey Build at church. I am trying to put into words what that means to me.
On the one hand, it means that you got to do some painting. A lot of painting, really. So much painting that your dad had to read some labels to find out that the paint was indeed nontoxic.
It means that I got to hang out with Mrs. Hazen. I had invited her because 2010 has been a pretty awful year for her and I wanted her to have the chance to reflect on all the blessings of the last year. Because that's how life is. Even when things are bad, there is almost always something to be grateful for. And I am so grateful for her.
It also means that I got to really reflect on the things that I am grateful for and got to listen to your dad and sister talk about the things they are grateful for. We listed God, friends, health and happiness, St. John's, family, and then each other. On his feather, your dad wanted a representation of you and your sister. I wanted wedding rings on mine. Your sister wanted a butterfly. For you, since we had to guess, I put a sugar molecule since your very favorite thing is eating carby goodness.
When we did this last year, we listed most of the same things, but I noticed that while I listed St. John's, I did not specifically put God. Last year, I think I was still growing in my faith and I'm glad that this year, He was first on my mind.
In 2009, as the recession was really hitting, we listed jobs. In 2010, as I thought about Mrs. Hazen and her time in the hospital, I wrote down "health and happiness."
Last year, we said friends and family, but did not name anyone in particular. This year, I thought about how quickly relationships change, and wanted to actually write some names down, because there are people that a year ago I was so grateful for and now they are gone and I never mentioned them by name. So on the friends feather, I wrote the Hazens, Fords, my friend Carol, F.D. (which stands for your dad's friend Fred), Dave and Roel, and then school and church friends and Dell friends of your dads. I know that list leaves off important people like my friends Summer and Debralynn, but I know they understand that I was thinking more of friends close by who impact our family on a regular basis. On the back of the family feather, I wrote Grandma and Gram, Grandpa and Nana Nolen, great grandmas, Langs and Wheelers, Uncle Jonathan, Aunt Rachel, cousins, the Gonzalez family, and Aunt Kathi and Aunt Peggy. I'm sure that leaves off important people, too, but that's the thing about listing. It always leaves off someone. But not listing leaves off everyone.
Last year, I wrote our names, but this year I wanted to add a picture that showed something particular to each of us. That way, I thought, the turkey could be an ever changing representation of where we are in our lives.
Which brings me to the last thing that the Turkey Build means to me. In my mind, it goes like this: in 2009, we did the Turkey Build, then Aunt Dani and Lily came over, then your Gram called to tell us Uncle James was killed in action. In reality, there was a whole week in there, but I don't remember it that way. So for me, the Turkey Build is the last normal thing we did, just the four of us, before we found out about Uncle James.
This is, of course, part of the listing. At the Turkey Build last year, your dad and I talked about your uncles and how thankful we were for them. But I didn't want to make a feather that said "Uncle James" and "Uncle Jon" without making feathers for everyone else. It wouldn't be fair. But now the unfairness is that we don't have any more opportunities to do things with Uncle James to be grateful for. He meant so much to us, but in trying not to be unfair to all of the other people we love, we didn't show our gratitude. So this year I listed.
Because the hard and honest truth is that life is short and unpredictable, and in 2011, there may be some other name that I wrote down this year who isn't a part of our lives for any number of reasons that don't have to be as tragic or devastating as the loss of your uncle was.
I used to think that the relationships I was building as our family started would be the relationships you and your sister would see growing and developing for the rest of your lives.
But the truth is that life happens and sadly, death happens, and sometimes things don't go as planned. So all we can do, year after year, is be grateful for what we have and who we have right now.
Because you never know what is going to happen.
Love,
Mom
So today, on the one year anniversary of his death, we went today to the cemetery where his body is laid to rest.
We wrote messages, on paper, on balloons, on our hearts.
We wrote them and then let them go.
Because this is all we have on earth.
But in heaven, in heaven sweet boy, you and your uncle have known each other forever.
